The Tears Will Be There

So, my life is pretty much as bad as it can get right now. Now that your gone, I don't really know what to do anymore. I'm lost and confused and just all bad right now. I really wish we can get back together, but how rarely do ANY of my wishes come true? I wished at 11:11 all the time and I don't recall any of them ever being answered. I really am all mixed up right now. I want to talk to you but I know you wouldn't want to talk anything else but below friends. I want to talk like how we did before, just back to normal. It's so painful that I can't even describe it, I don't think I've ever been this hurt before. I really think I would rather die off than live another day here without you. I'm just really lost right now. But unlike before, your never going to come find me even if i was lost. I don't even know where I'm trying to get at, but I just really want to go back to when we first got together. Everything was just so right, so right. I really don't want to ignore you, but even if I talk to you, you'll just sound really cold to me. I really don't want that as it will hurt me even more. So I guess I'll just pretend the past 7 months was all one long very sweet dream. A dream that will never be dreamt again. Just very mixed thoughts right now honey. I still prefer to call you that because I really don't know what else I can call you by. I really loved you and will still be loving you as each day goes by. Sorry for ignoring you, please forgive me. Bye honey, I love you.

Almost There...

Well, tonight didn't end like how I wanted to be, but its still a non-ruined night. So its not bad, right? Today wasn't really the ideal day for me, it was actually pretty bad. So it started pretty well to me, and it went fine. Although you were busy almost the whole day, you still checked up on me once in a while. I get pretty happy when you do that because I know that I'm still on your mind. So it was like that pretty much until you brought up the subject again. The subject of fulfilling the requirements, if I was able to complete it on time. Well, even if I was in your position, I wouldn't believe me either. So I don't blame you for not trusting me about how I'll be able to do all those things I listed. So we argued, we talked, you signed on, you turned your phone off... you know, the usuals. And then I didn't really expect you to come back so I called up my bestfriend to chill. But just as I had made plans, you come back and start talking again. And on and on and I got another chance. But at that point, I had already decided what I'm going to do. Like how I did it last time, spend one last happy moment with you, and leave your life back at one. Yes, it's very hard to do this, way harder than the first time. But I'm pretty sure you'll be fine this time around, your not going to be running after me anymore. No more trying to get me back because I can clearly say "Your in a rush to throw me away." So tonight will be the last time we'll be saying goodnights, our last night together. Thats why I wanted to talk on the phone, but I guess fate is really not on my side. So our last night together and we end it with aim, haha. Kind of lame, but it's ok, better that way I guess. If it was too happy, I might not be able to let go. Thanks for putting up with me for almost 7 months now Karen Huynh Tran. You showed me alot of things and taught me alot, your going to be in my heart just like a tattoo. My love for you will probably be pretty hard to forget, while you'll probably forget it in a night. Whoever said it's going to be easy? It's almost the end honey, just put up with me for one more day and you'll be free from tomorrow on. No more of me being annoying, wasting your time, always making you mad, not knowing how to comfort you, making you look bad, and most importantly, being a bad boyfriend that I am. I thought we would have been forever, guess not. My heart hurts with every word thats being typed, my eyes gets more and more watery while doing this. Maybe my love for you is just too great that it hurts to walk away, but like you said, I'm too selfish. I got to start thinking what you want and not what I want. And the thing you want most is for me to get out of your life. Soon enough honey, just one more day, please let it be happy. I'll remember these past 7 months for the rest of my life, and I'll look back and say, "Damn, I was happy." I'll miss each of every one of your family, and most of all, you. I'll really miss everything that we have done and that we had planned to do. Too many to name, and I'm scared I might have a bucket full of water if I typed all of it. Just one more day honey, just one more day. I can't wait for tomorrow, it will be the last day with you. Time's running out honey, so I'm off now. I'll see you soon, about 8 hrs. Lets make tomorrow the happiest memory we ever had ok? And after that you can forget all about me if you want. Bye honey, I love you.

Day 1

I'm going to pretend this is you, haha, how foolish of me. But I'm still going to do it. Last night, I thought I had hope, hope to be able to talk things out, hope to go back to normal, hope to be with you again. So this morning, I woke up pretty early, hoping to get home as fast as I can to talk to you. But when I finally called you, no answer. Again and again, but just the same voice mail. And then again, and you finally picked up. I was really, truthfully happy when I heard your voice because it's so sweet, and it's the voice I want to hear no matter when, where, why, what, and so on. I was looking forward to talking to you again, but obviously, that thought was no where near your head. Maybe I'm a bit clingy and selfish like you said I was, but who wouldn't be when it comes to the love of their life right? You tell me to leave you alone, to not talk to you, to stay 10 feet away, to not have anything to do with you. But on the reality, is that even really possible? Answer is no, but I will try to today/tonight if it'll get me the chance to talk things out with you. It's just kind of hard when knowing your going to be out with some other guy, picking you up, driving you everywhere, going to the party with you, being with you afterwards, and so on. But if that's really what it takes, then I'm going to only have to trust you won't do anything beyond friends status with him. I can trust that because you aren't that type. Just hope that tonight goes well for you and you have the happiest day you can get. But I'll be on the side, waiting for you to maybe even have your eye on me for a second. At least that way, I'll know your thinking about me for a bit. I'll wait and I'll wait and I'll wait more, until you'll come back, I'll be waiting. Hope you have the best day of your life but not for me tonight. Hope to see you tonight happy and smiling since I am not longer capable of doing so. I love you Huynh Tran, and this love will never go away, it really won't. And again, I miss you honey, bye.

Girlfriend's 16th

This should have been a special day for the both of us. It started fine, it went fine, and it ended like that, shit. I really tried to have it happy for you, I really did. It's still my fault that I said that stupid ass shit, but you gave me a chance. I took the chance and acted like it was nothing. I really want to just kill myself for it. You offered me, and I took it and threw it on the side like it was shit. I truthfully didn't mean to do it, just I'm not smart enough to think like a normal boyfriend. I'm really truthfully happy because your in my life, the way you care for me, the way you do stuff for me, how you make me lunch even though you have to make it in the early ass morning, the way you put me to sleep, the way you hold me, the way you make me laugh like no others, the way you love me, the way you keep giving me chances when I just keep screwing up, the way you call me to wake me, the way you look at me, the way you would take all your friends' "You could have done better", and "What were you thinking", and so much more and just took it down and stayed with me, the way you would lose friends for me, the way you are, just being you, and theres so much more. I really tried to make it a happy memory today honey, but like you said, no matter how hard i try, I'll fuck it up. It's just that nothings on my side maybe. Or maybe Friday the 13th really is some curse.. who knows? I really hope things will work out between us my dearest Karen Huynh Tran Thi Ngoc Bich, haha I bet your surprised I even remember that name huh? I really hope tomorrow is another day and that we will be the same as we were, lovers. I'm sorry honey for today, I really am. I broke my promise of how you'll get it good today, I'm really sorry. I hope not talking to me will really calm you down and just give you time to think whether I'm an important person in your life or not. Because to me, you'll always be my number 1, always. Know that I won't give up on you, I'll never let go of your hand. "You can run, you can hide, but you can't escape my love." Bye honey I'll be writing to this as if it were you when I miss you. Please do so the same. I love you, bye.